Changes

Well the door is closed on this last relationship, at least the romantic part. We have agreed to stay friends, which for the first time on this lesbian journey, I believe it can happen.

In a nutshell, it just wasn’t meant to be. What I have learned especially from this relationship, is how to really love a person more unconditionally, and I respect that in the end, we were not compatible in that way.

It wasn’t easy at first, I tried to process a lot and to understand where and how things went wrong, but then it all clicked, it made sense. It was actually very cathartic in a way, there are no ties that bind anymore, and we are both free to meet someone someday who might just be the one we are looking for. I really want her happiness and I know she wants mine.

We hung out recently at it was fun and light and less stress, I guess anything is possible. I am learning more each time I connect with someone, whether it be friend or romantic partner. I guess it is true, you learn what you want and what you don’t need.

I’m going to a mixer this weekend. I am very social, extroverted and love meeting new people. My goal (and not to offend anyone reading this, this is just my preference, what I know I hope to find in a partner) is to meet someone who is laid back, kind, funny (God yes, a sense of humor!), big smile, expressive eyes, doesn’t judge people on the things they eat, is not obsessed with politics, loves to travel, and lights up a room.

Not too much to wish for, right?:)

Drinks

Very shortly I will meet one of my exes for drinks. I’ve only had a few relationships since coming out and she was my longest, over two years.
A relationship with someone who was kind in the beginning but then the narcissism set in and I spent the rest of the time losing myself to fit her needs.
I’m not sure why I feel the need to see her. Maybe I want to figure out why I attract emotionally unavailable women. I’ve been told I’m a nurturer, that I attract women who are broken because they want to feel loved. But how ironic is that, because I’m willing to give the love and then I find out they are not as strong as they seemed and they are quite fragile.
Willing to receive love and get what they can until they realize they’re incapable of returning it.
So there I am, standing on the outside looking in and wondering how I ended up with someone like that again.
I know I use the word a lot, but humbling is the only thing that comes to mind.
There has to be someone out there who gives and receives in return. I’m not talking about somebody who keeps track, I hate that and I don’t think anything you give should have a price tag on it. I was raised to be kind and genuine and sincere and who I am and is all that I know how to be. I wish I could shut off the emotions sometimes because heartbreak is not easy.
I chose to leave the woman that I was with the longest. Such a roller coaster ride of emotions, I loved her but the relationship was all about her and her needs. In reevaluating everything I sometimes wonder if that’s the woman I should be with. Maybe I’m supposed to be the caregiver and get little in return, I don’t know anymore. Here’s to drinks…

Epiphanies

Sleeping hasn’t been easy lately. I just re-read my last blog about my ex and I about the feelings that I thought were still there.  The conversation we had late Saturday night, across the table from each other as we both teared up.

I told her I understood what she was going through and she said she was sorry for hurting me, etc… I thought at the time her tears meant that she was missing me or maybe what could’ve been. Maybe I was wrong.

What if my tears are because I love someone who can’t love me in return and her tears are about not wanting to hurt me because she knows she doesn’t love me.

Yeah, it hit me hard just a few minutes ago… I’ve been thinking that the tears meant maybe she was holding on to something and down the road something might happen.  She’s a good person and has been through a lot and I think it all comes down to her not wanting to hurt me. My heart genuinely breaks for her if this is the case. I would never want to be the cause of someone’s pain,  if loving someone is too heavy for her I can’t hold onto wanting things to change.

It’s very humbling but it’s also a real possibility and I don’t want that. She deserves to be happy and she needs to do what will make her happy and sometimes no matter how much we want something to be, it simply can’t or won’t happen.

I don’t think I’ve ever searched more deeply into who I am than I have recently, I’m so humbled by everything.  I’m not gonna play the martyr, I’m just seeing things for what they are and I know things will happen as they should.

 

Feelings

Had an interesting weekend, I’ve seen my ex pretty much once a week since we broke up. There are times I feel absolutely broken, so many pieces to pick up. We are compatible, funny, enjoy hanging out, and when we talk there’s real emotion, even tears. And then I feel like I am in a bad movie. Those endings that make no sense, if they care about each other, why does the relationship always end, like La La Land…seriously? They couldn’t agree to wait the seven months that she was going to be in Paris? Who does that?

Why do we run from the good things and gravitate to the stuff that hurts us?  I am confused by it all. All I really know at the moment is I am in love with someone who questions love or me or I don’t know anymore. I feel as though I am going through the motions, maybe love really isn’t enough. We are all fragile, all trying to do what is best for us, to love means trusting you won’t get hurt but it happens and it scares most of us, I know.

A friend told me once that to open your heart to love after it’s been broken is the bravest thing you will ever do, maybe…I have to still believe in it.

Define “normal”

A lot has happened in the last month, running into exes, people wanting to give advice, date offers, single friends who have asked me out, threesome offers, it’s like you are a fresh piece of meat.I’m an extrovert and all I want to do at the moment is retreat, crawl into a cave, run away, I don’t know.

I used to say I wanted “normal,” I don’t know what that is anymore. Maybe it meant someone who just understood life, doesn’t try to change you, respects that we are all a little broken but worthy of love. Sometimes I wonder who’s journey I am on, if someone else has been penning the plot and no matter how much I try to edit, the plot is erased and someone else picks up the pen.

Not trying to be melodramatic, it just is a weird ride sometimes, making sense of how things unfold. And again, being open leaves you vulnerable beyond words. I am beginning to think maybe normal just doesn’t exist. I know I have said it before but I know we all have pain and baggage and things that prevent us from many things, but love? Love should be that one thing that makes everything just a bit easier, it doesn’t “fix” anything or everything but it’s that one thing that lifts us up and makes life a bit better.

I am rambling, I think I am so confused about how wanting something I thought was so simple and natural would turn into this novel, turning pages to find some semblance of peace and understanding. Here I am typing away and talking to strangers, bearing my soul, therapy…I know coming out was what I needed, I hope I stay sane on the journey. Thanks for listening.

Well-meaning friends

They like to fix you up, start you on the next journey, build your confidence, hold your hand when you’re crying and remind you daily that you are worthy of something good.

I appreciate the care and concern, the kindness and love. I have so many good people in my life and I am grateful always. They want to get me out there again. But what do you do when your heart hasn’t healed? Sounds a bit sad, I know…well it’s only been a couple of months.

So much to think about with putting myself out there again. I cannot keep attracting the same kind of women. Some days I mull it over and the introspection is overwhelming, other days it’s the last thing I want to think about.  It’s as though I am free to find that fun person who wants to enjoy life or I am going to meet another woman who is scared to love.

So back to the title of well-meaning friends, they’re amazing, but do they think I am pathetic after three relationships that didn’t work out? I know, probably not, the usual remarks are, “you haven’t met her yet,” “you need to meet your equal,” don’t settle,” etc…How do I attract emotionally unavailable women if I am the exact opposite?

It’s a mind f&^&….I’ll figure it out, someday.

How long?

So….how long does it take to heal and work though things? That’s the question. I am surrounded by well-meaning friends who want me to jump back into the lesbian dating pool. They tell me I know what I want so I should just go for it again. How long do I wait? Is what I want and who I want really out there?

I know I am still processing, and the very thought of attracting women who are not emotionally available is pretty scary. There are so many things I am trying to understand in regards to why people seek out a relationship when they know they might be incapable of committing. I know, maybe they think “this time” I can do it, I can try to make it happen. But in doing so, if you’re not ready, you take someone else on a ride they never saw coming. Indecision, paranoia, trust issues, the push you/pull you effect.

 

Reality

So I have been taking a break, trying to figure out the reasons that were part of my breakup. Trying to understand from my ex’s point of view what it was that she needed and why commitment and trust scares so many people. I know we all have our own demons, things we can’t make sense of and the things that we run from.

I guess I thought in being authentic in who I am that somehow it would break through those barriers, that somehow that would be enough to know someone has your back, loves you without holding judgement, etc, etc… But you know what? It doesn’t matter, I know that, people tell me that all the time. The things we deal with are our issues and we have developed our own coping and escape mechanisms to deal with the emotions that scare us the most.

It’s strange, I love this person for who she is and even if that means she can’t love in return I want her happiness. I reflect on how heavy it must be to have someone love you and for it to not open your heart but rather it takes her to an uncomfortable place. It’s heavy for some to love and trust. The hurt we experience from past unsuccessful relationships is sometimes still there, lingering, and reminding us of the pain-compelling some of us to run, get out, “don’t let it happen again.”

It’s life, self-protection, who knows what variables play into the scenario…you can be open, trusting and vulnerable and it doesn’t matter. And who am I to judge her decision or be angry for doing what is best for her. Such a weird Catch-22, I think I have finally figured out what it means to love unconditionally and there’s nothing I can do about it but wish her well.

I still believe love doesn’t need to be such a roller coaster, there has to be people out there who just want companionship, fun, good sex, food, wine and someone who accepts you flaws and all. Doesn’t have to be a ball and chain scenario, a sh*t show or anything nuts, just something kind and wonderful.

I’m still debating how long to wait until I date again, how much do you need if you realize someone is going to be ok being true to themselves? Am I healing or have I already healed knowing the reasons behind the breakup more clearly now. Much to think about.

 

Working on me…

So I decided to work on me for a bit, those things I hadn’t had time to do when I was in a relationship. To be honest I haven’t really been in a relationship where I’ve had a chance to focus on the things that make me happy. Although my last one gave me a lot of freedom but I wasn’t sure where I stood so I stressed more…I know, my fault. Becoming strong mentally and physically is important, should have been a priority all along. But truth is I am caregiver, I probably give more than I should and I need to figure out how to care for myself more. But that being said I take full responsibility for putting myself second, it was stupid, it also shows the person you are with that you don’t consider yourself a priority, so why should they. It makes sense, I own it, I will change that behavior. I am getting stronger.

Looking back, since I’ve come out, I feel like I was shot out of a canon. I never really took the time to figure out what would make me happy and the kind of person who would complement my life, not complete it. I was pursued at the get go, two emotionally broken women looking for someone to maybe make them believe in love or something. My last relationship was not quite the mind fuck, just someone who in the end didn’t want to be in anything committed or heavy. I understand where she’s coming from, I hold no resentment, I genuinely wish her well. In time I hope there will be someone I meet out there who is emotionally available, who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable, because love doesn’t have to hurt, it can be a wonderful thing.

So I am taking time to reconnect with myself, enjoy time with some pretty amazing friends and family who support me, who tell me repeatedly “not every lesbian you meet will be crazy.” Ha, time will tell…. 🙂

Taking a dating break…

So fast forward to now, I think I need to take a dating break. Three relationships in five years. Instead of being pursued maybe I need to take time for myself and really work on what I want and need. I have always been accommodating and worried about everyone else. Today I woke up and had that big epiphany, the moment when I essentially asked myself, “WTF have you been doing?”

In coming out I was in such a hurry to be me and live authentically, find woman who would love me as much as I loved them. It would be this serendipitous moment when everything came together and finally made sense. But that’s not what happened. I settled, I met women who were hurting as much as I was, who wanted to be loved but couldn’t love in return. Not their fault things didn’t work out, they  just couldn’t love or didn’t trust love, in time maybe they will but things just weren’t meant to be.

I’ve learned to respect that, even if it hurts, no matter what we feel, sometimes emotions can’t be returned in the same way. You can’t blame someone for how they feel, can’t chase it, force it, hope things will change when we are wired or conditioned to feel as we do. So I guess I am grateful that life is as it is. We learn and we grow from experience. We love to the best of our ability and hope to be loved in return. It’s a wild ride, but I still believe in love, and having fun and living in the moment.